In recognition of our First 100 days on this journey together, the inspiration for this post is 'Newsweek' Magazine's recent cover article in India, Barack on Barack, the First 100 Days. Several family members and friends have asked questions about us, how we're doing together, so we thought we would address the majority of the questions we have received, not to mention those that people are too polite to ask, over a casual breakfast on our 100th day at the Shaheen Bagh Lodge in Dehradun, India.
Question: Many of our friends and family were concerned about us traveling together 24/7 for over a year, having only "dated" the first 3 1/2 years of our relationship. (2 to 3 dates per week, including one sleepover.) What's our opinion of that now, 100 days in?
Allan: Initially, I had no concerns, and said that we'd work things out. Today, in general, I still have no concerns, but we've had to work more things out than I anticipated, little things.
David: Actually, I was worried about it, since living with anyone can be difficult. But I was also confident that Allan and I could handle it. So far, that has proven to be true. So yeah, they were right, but so were we.
Q: How would we rate our first 100 days together on a scale of 1-10, 1 being the lowest?
A: 8. There are always area of improvement on my part...and on David's.
D: I need to improve? (laughter) Seriously, since this is my first long term relationship, I don't have anything to compare it to, but really, I think 8 is a great number.
Q: What have we each enjoyed most about being together 24/7 for 100 days?
D: Allan pays for everything! (laughs) And okay, for the most part, that's true--but I do pay for my own shopping binges!
A: No comment.
D: But seriously, I enjoy seeing all the sides of Allan that I couldn't always see before, both good and not so good. It feels more like a real relationship where we stick it out, for better and for worse, for richer and poorer, in sickness and in health.....all that stuff I never thought I'd experience.
A: I have not so good sides? Must be my left profile you're talking about....My answer is, saying goodnight to David every night in person, vs. in my thoughts.
Q: What has changed about our relationship since being together 24/7?
D: We have a lot more decisions to make on a minute by minute basis. We have to think together, act together, and before, we only had to do that to decide where to eat dinner on date night!
A: Let me answer the question this way: The other morning when David greeted me, he didn't say good morning or hello, he just said, "I have diarrhea." Some of the pleasantries have gone away.
Q: What's the one area or thing that has been a point of frustration for each of us?
D: Oh let me go first, hon. I drive Allan crazy, making him make all the decisions. I wear him out. And I am often overly sensitive to some of the things he says....I get frustrated with myself actually, my insecurities, and how they affect our relationship. In the moment, I think it's him. But it always comes back to self, doesn't it?
A: He's right!! It is always him! Seriously though, it comes down to communication, and for those that know me well, know I'm good at providing a comprehensive statement or question, I choose words carefully and manage my tone but sometimes I don't deliver on that, and it's misinterpreted. And I'm learning how to phrase things and speak to things based on David's sensitivities.
D: What do you mean by that? Are you saying that you have to walk on eggshells around me?
A: Need I say more?
Q: What is the one thing we miss about our "Portland" relationship?
A: "Allan time", although I'm learning how to have that in the context of a 24/7 relationship.
D: Paying for my share of what we do.....it's wonderful and hard to receive such a gift on a daily basis. And on the flip side, I'm sure that Allan doesn't always enjoy handling the finances for this trip. It was more balanced in Portland....I also miss being lazy in my PJ's all day, baking banana bread and channel surfing on TV! Letting my hair down, in other words.
A: You mean you haven't been doing that? And what hair?
D: What do you mean by that? Are you calling me bald?!
A: You see?
Q: How do we work through difficult times together?
A: I take a deep breath, and remember that I have a one-way, open-ended ticket for David Langton to Portland, Oregon....
D: It's true! He does!! (laughter)
A: No Seriously, I try to understand where I am, what my participation is within the discussion, and we talk through it.
D: I just say he's right.
A: No, that's what I say to you.
D: We can't both be right.
A: I believe you are right.
D: "Mistakes Were Made, But Not By Me." That book really helped me! Okay, I'll be serious. Yes, we talk it out. It seems to always come down to communication, owning my stuff, letting things go...what we all know, but find hard to do sometimes.
Q: What's the one thing we have learned about each other that we may not have known had we not taken this trip?
D: You know, I would have to say that Allan is rather consistent. Who he was in Portland, is who he is anywhere in the world. He's organized, disciplined, thoughtful, knowledgeable, confident, relaxed, well meaning....so at this point, what I knew about him then is not that different from what I know about him now--aside from that tone problem! Really, I would say that I have learned more about us as a couple. How even though we may hit a snag from time to time, overall we get along very well, enjoy many of the same things, and can talk about pretty much anything.
A: David has more patience than I do, and that is saying a lot.
Q: Has our level of intimacy changed, being together 24/7? (Moms and perhaps previous co-workers, skip to the next question!)
A: Have you forgotten I'm a private person? No comment!
D: It's changed somewhat. Certainly less public displays of affection....
A: Some things are to be left private.
D: It also hasn't helped to be sick with bronchitis for 3 weeks, arrive in Dehradun, and get traveler's diarrhea--who wants to get near that? We are often in travel mode, whereas in Portland, we were in couple mode. But I can say that I feel very intimate towards Allan, even when we're grocery shopping or riding on the subway....
A: Can we go by Webster's definition of intimacy instead??
D: Oh, that! Well, we're like an old married couple....you know, here and there...on our anniversary....
A: That often? Really? (laughs)
D: Poor guy. It's true. I should eat oysters, but I'm a vegetarian!
A: How about artichokes then?
D: Next question!!!
Q: When asked, how do we speak to our relationship?
A: F'n A, we're just a couple of dudes hanging out together!
D: Except I keep calling you "hon" in public!
A: People are asking us all the time, whether it be the apartment rental host, shopkeepers we talk to, other tourists we meet, locals we encounter...they all want to know how we know each other. They also ask where we're from, where we work, if we're married--to women, that is--and if we have children.
D: When we reached India, we realized that we had to create a story so that we were not only consistent with each other, but also were respectful to the countries and cultures we were visiting.
A: Which some could say is not being truthful to who we are, but really, it's a smart thing to do in a country where same sex relationships are illegal--like in India.
D: So currently, I am divorced. My ex-wife is my friend Mercedes. Hope you don't mind, Mercedes! We have no children, and remain friends. We were married on April 13, 1999, and divorced on August 16, 2002. Why? "We wanted different things."
A: I speak to being in a long term relationship of ten years, which ended, and have no children. I currently don't have a girlfriend--at least not that kind. All based on the truth, with just a few facts omitted.
D: But even with those stories, divorce is also looked down on here...so sometimes, you just can't win!
A: It's amazing how often the questions come up, so we had to finally prepare for them. Sometimes out of convenience, I would re-employ myself at NIKE. Sorry Lisa Olivia, my replacement. Now we say that we are both unemployed. I'm on a sabbatical, and David lost his job in the financial crisis...
D: But we had already planned this trip before my job ended, so when I get back, I'll be looking for work. Also true!
A: And how much information does a rickshaw driver need on me anyway? Really, we adjust what we say, and how much we divulge about who we are, and how long this trip is, depending on who we're talking to.
Q: Though we've experienced many changes over these past 100 days, what has not changed?
A: I currently, and don't anticipate ever going to the bathroom in front of David.
D: Allan currently, and does not anticipate ever letting me go to the bathroom in front of him.
Q: Any future predictions as to what will happen when we return to Portland? Will we live together, or apart?
A: Ask me my first day back in Portland, the 400th day.
D: Que Sera Sera. We'll have to wait and see. We don't know.
A: We're trying to just live in the present.
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